The silent killer

I need to talk about something that nobody tells you before you get a pitbull. The farts. THE FARTS.

Duke is the gassiest dog I have ever encountered in my life. And the worst part is theyre silent. He just looks at you with those innocent eyes while releasing chemical warfare into the room. No warning. No sound. Just suddenly you cant breathe and hes sitting there like nothing happened. Tail wagging. Completely unbothered.

We had my girlfriends parents over last weekend for dinner. Nice dinner, everyone getting along, Duke being his charming self getting pets from everyone. Her mom loves him, was scratching behind his ears and calling him handsome. And then it hit. You could see it on everyones face at the same time—that moment of 'wait what is that' followed by horror. I wanted to die. I apologized like five times while opening windows. Her dad just laughed but her mom looked genuinely concerned for our health.

He sleeps in our room and I swear some nights I wake up because of the smell. How does something so foul come out of something so cute? He weighs 65 pounds and produces enough gas to power a small city. Its not natural. I told my girlfriend maybe we should make him sleep in the living room and she looked at me like I suggested kicking him out of the house entirely. So. He stays.

I've tried different foods. We're on a 'sensitive stomach' formula now which has helped a little but he still has his moments. The vet said some dogs are just gassy. Great. Thanks doc. Super helpful. She also said pitbulls are known for being gassy which would have been nice to know BEFORE I got one. No one mentioned this. Not one person.

The funny thing—well, funny to everyone except whoever is in the room—is that sometimes he scares himself with them. Like if its not totally silent, if theres even a tiny sound, he jumps up and looks at his own butt like 'what was THAT.' Then goes right back to sleep. No awareness that he just crop dusted the entire living room. Zero guilt.

My girlfriend bought a bunch of candles. We keep them everywhere now. Living room, bedroom, bathroom just in case he follows me in there. The candle budget is out of control but its either that or lose our sense of smell entirely. Weve got like three different scents going at any given time. Our apartment smells like a Bath and Body Works had a fight with a farm.

I looked online for tips. Apparently you can give them probiotics or something? Might try that. Some people said yogurt helps but then other people said dairy makes it worse so I dont know. Someone on Reddit suggested activated charcoal treats which sounds fake but at this point Id try anything. Our guests deserve to breathe.

I love this dog but WOW. Biological weapon. Thats what I have. A biological weapon that wants belly rubs and has no concept of personal space. Sixty five pounds of cuddles and chemical warfare.

He just farted while I was typing this. Im leaving the room. Hes looking at me like I'm the one being dramatic. Send help.